Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I Just Knew--
"I know!" is all I said as I answered the phone after midnight exactly 7 years ago. I did not wait for any, " hello" or explanation... I just knew! I had been in the shower for over an hour crying and coming to terms with what I believed was happening. It sounds so strange now, but I can go back with little effort even today.The voice was not audible, yet just as clear. I just knew!
We had just spent the day with my entire family, over 25 of us, in Eugene celebrating Christmas. My dad was sick and had been fighting cancer just like a warrior. We were hopeful he would be chosen to start a clinical trial in February that looked very promising. He was so loving that day to each one of his children and grandchildren. He always was, but went out of his way to say something to each of us. I wonder if he knew? He told me how proud of me he was and loved my children. Then he thanked Aser for being such a wonderful husband and father. He told him he would have never asked for better than him. ( I do agree!) Many of my siblings and nieces and nephews took pictures with him. I did not as I felt like it would be admitting that I thought he would not have another chance with a photo with me. He joked and rested with us for the whole day and even made it back home.
This was several hours later. My mom said he was tired when they got home, but we never thought it would be this.
After I was able to pull myself together I came downstairs to see if the light was beeping on the phone telling me that the call had arrived. There was no light, no bleeping... I thought I had just taken myself for an unneeded ride. I was relieved as I went to turn the light off. My hand had not even left the light switch and the phone rang. I did KNOW!
I raced over to my parent's home as many of my siblings raced to be by his bedside. As I entered the door I heard the breathing and knew that I knew. My tears had already been cried in the shower so I was able to have an unearthly peace and really be in the moment with my daddy. We gathered on his bed as he was very coma-like and prayed for a miracle. We told him how much we loved and appreciated him. I asked him to tell mother one more time how much he loved her. One time and one time only he sat up and reached to my mom and grabbed her hand. He could not speak and fell back into his coma-like state. It was shortly after that his breathing changed and then slowed down as we lay next to him. It was a strange peace that was with us. I know God was with us as we were saying goodbye to him on this earth.
I had no idea how hard it would be to get used to life without him. I can grieve with hope as I know I will see him again. I know my kids will be able to run to their papa again. It has been very hard watching my mom adjusting to life and she has shown strength she did not know she has. Despite the sadness God has comforted our family in ways I have no words for. We will be together again.
Seven years ago today I just knew!