Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Rounding out the rough edges

I have not posted in a long time. I have been busy with teaching this year and truthfully it is hard to know how much to bear on a public blog and knowing I can never really take my words back. So often I have a thought or something I want to write about, but then decide it is best kept to myself. So many changes on the horizon and yet so much happening now. It is a challenge to know how to keep life going here and yet start planning to move to another country in maybe about 8 months. I am grateful for the here and now. I have seen God put this together in such a fashion that I would be a fool to not see that this is where we are to be today. I hope God knows I am thankful even with my less than smooth heart. I still have So much to learn.

In three short months Malachi will have been home for 2 years. In so many ways it seems like it has gone too quickly and then some days it feels like I wish I could speed up time for him. He is still screaming when frustrated and I wish I could just help him talk and share his feelings--I want to rush this for him. At home it is so much more comfortable and fun. He loves routine and sleeping. He loves to laugh and dance and play and play. He brings such joy to our home and can not imagine our lives without him. Yet there are those nights when defeat and weariness truimph. There is a certain lump that creeps up my throat as I wonder will it ever all be ok. We had a school event and it was so hard for him tonight. He yells and fights when he is in public places. His sense to save himself and fight to survive is still so very alive. He does not always feel and believe that we are there for him and will meet his needs and take care of him. He becomes someone we hardly know and all of us struggle to make him happy and quiet to avoid looks filled with questions of why??? I fear someone asking me what have I done to him or why is this not better yet. I am sure it is all in my imagination, but the parent guilt is real. He always lets me hug and kiss him-- he LOVES being close now. That is a huge gain that took over 1 1/2 years. He listens and follows directions at home and sometimes wish I could make our whole life at home. But with four other angels there are many events to attend so Malachi must press on to learn how to trust us and not let his senses become so overwhelmed. This may just be who he is and not even adoption related, but it helps me understand when I put it into that frame that he just needs more time. So I am off to run and walk with my star.Aser does everything in his power to shield me from the sadness I feel when we are out with our little one and I even see my older kids try to help soften the edges. My mom is a true hero and is so willing to watch Malachi to help him avoid being put into situations that are uncomfortable. I wish the lump would go away, but am sure with time,just as for Malachi, this will also become less noticable. Thankful for life today despite times of me being tattered and learning to be a better mama for my little Angel.