Sunday, January 11, 2009

Figuring things out

Today my heart is heavy. Not in a depressed way, but deep in thought and contemplation. I am still trying to make my life mirror what I believe God has called me to. I have touched on this several months ago, but it has not become clearer, but in some ways more murky. We had such an amazing opportunity to go to Ethiopia for two years with two organizations that are movers and shakers. Well, the day we were supposed to sign to go I was put in the hospital and then a long journey started to wellness again. So much has happened since then... cancer fight with brother, lay-offs -- yes more than one time, attachment issues ( that has improved 150% and will write that in another post), medical bills that are mounting, slow real estate market, adjusting to having my guy working in Louisiana ( no he does not come home on weekends), and life with five precious little people. I am in NO way complaining, but am truly grateful for hard times in ways I have never thought I would be. I am tougher than I knew. More sure of God than ever before!!!! Know HIS POWER works in quiet ways and also in EARTH MOVING ways. Appreciate the smaller things in my life and am more in love with my man than I would have ever thought I was capable of. I know God is GOOD and even SPECTACULAR because I have had more happiness and contentment in the midst of the storms than I have even had when life was easier. This is true!!!
My heaviness today is from being so willing to go and like our pastor spoke of today willing to risk it all in order to work in Ethiopia. However, we have had many voices telling us that my illness was a sign that we were probably not to go. Yet during this time there have been many things that still point that way to east Africa and my mind is more resolute. How do you know? Which voice do you listen to? I never want to be out of the will of God-- EVER!!! Some of the same people in our lives talk of living life out of the comfort zone are the same ones telling us we are not to be going. It would be too stressful on our children... the economy is not in a position for this to be wise.... it is hard for families to move out of the US... you will never make it... the money is a problem.... what will you do with your house... whaat about your mom, brother... what will you do when you come back...braces, and their school... the questions are never ending. Maybe these folks are speaking the truth and we are being stubborn? I want to hear the voices that we are supposed to.. I am confused! I know God can redeem whatever happens. So today I will continue deep in thought and prayer... yet still live in my moment today by going to see "Doggies" at the shelter, shopping for milk, finishing up homework, changing diapers, and loving my family. The answers don't have to be today.


Anonymous said...

Prayers and hugs your way. You guys are an awesome godly family and I have complete faith that you will hear HIS voice in the matters that consume you, remember stress and confusion come from the enemy. As far as the cons remember John 16:33. Remember His faithfulness in the past.Psalm 37:4-5, these desire's are God breathed and he is faithful to fulfil them. Sorry for writing so long, I know you know these things already but, sometimes, it's nice to be reminded.Take care!
Michelle Domeika

Anonymous said...

i would be confused too!! how do you know which things to focus on, when you are getting so many apparently mixed messages.

for what it's worth, i think times like this are often times when we are supposed to wait. God is perfectly capable of being REALLY clear, so if are open and willing, maybe you are still being prepared? or maybe there is some reason for you to be here longer before you go? or maybe you are meant to give it up for now, and trust that it will happen later? I have no idea, of course, but I admire your willingness.

Carrie said...

Oh Kimberly,

I can so relate to everything you wrote. I am apparently on the other end, and totally believe you guys are meant to go. Just don't know the "when" part. I will be praying for discernment for you. I think we will always get mixed messages, and Chris and I have sure had loads of them over the years. It is confusing, and fear can be contagious, especially when it appears as "wisdom". There will always be concerned people close to us who don't understand.

But God has equipped your entire family for something special and specific. I really believe that. Your desires have not gone away, and your heart is transparent for the people that God has placed on it. Those are not accidents, and God doesn't make mistakes...

So I think this is something that God will make clear to you and Aser at the right time. And when the doors open, I am confident you will walk through them together with your beautiful, gifted, WILLING kids. :) Maybe not everyone will understand, but I am confident that when it is time, you will find more support than you dreamed possible.

Keep praying my friend, God has not forgotten you.

Anonymous said...

You are such a amazing Gift from God and you do inspire all that read your blog! I know that Aser and you will do Gods will for your Beautiful family and God will bring you the richest blessings!

Tammi Hagner

Anonymous said...

Hey Kimberly,
I like this post and the glimpse at your mind and heart. And it IS totally confusing to feel like what we thought we were called to didn't work out when we thought it should. But who knows (except God) what is to be and where and when. Not to be another voice...but sometimes what God is calling us to isn't popular among our friends and those we know. Jesus did things that were "unpopular" and "unapproved of" all the time. I certainly can't tell you where God is leading or how the details would work out one way or the other, but I do know that when God calls us to something or somewhere, He takes responsibility for getting us there. We have a part to play and things to do, but ultimately, He allows for the provision. Not that I want you to move to Ethiopia or anything, but I'm totally on board you doing what God is calling you to when and where He is calling. Now...if only He spoke in neon signs... :)


Shelley said...

Sister Kimberly,
Just this morning, my pastor taught us from the first chapter of Acts. Maybe it was for you?

Jesus had told the disciples -- both before his death and after his resurrection -- to prepare to GO, how and where to GO, and what to do when they WENT. But before they could GO, His instructions were to WAIT. WAIT for the Holy Spirit's divine intervention. WAIT until they knew they had received what they needed. They would not need any convincing about their time to GO. Neither will you. For, them, waiting meant growing in wisdom, not just desire! Growing in knowledge of God's plan, not just acknowledging that He had one.

I do not know if this makes any sense. I'm typing, not thinking... just what's on my heart for you to hear. Love you.

MP said...

I agree with Shelley's comment. From my past experiences I have found that while we were in our confused period it was, in fact, a waiting period God had us in. All that you are going through is leading up to the miracle of HIS ministry. When His time comes for you to act, you will know. You will be filled with peace, joy, and amazment because the flood gates will be open.
A wise farmer tills the ground, plants the seeds, fertilizes it, waters it and then reaps the harvest. Our Father in heaven is the perfect farmer! He will reap what he has sown into your hearts.