Today my heart is heavy. Not in a depressed way, but deep in thought and contemplation. I am still trying to make my life mirror what I believe God has called me to. I have touched on this several months ago, but it has not become clearer, but in some ways more murky. We had such an amazing opportunity to go to Ethiopia for two years with two organizations that are movers and shakers. Well, the day we were supposed to sign to go I was put in the hospital and then a long journey started to wellness again. So much has happened since then... cancer fight with brother, lay-offs -- yes more than one time, attachment issues ( that has improved 150% and will write that in another post), medical bills that are mounting, slow real estate market, adjusting to having my guy working in Louisiana ( no he does not come home on weekends), and life with five precious little people. I am in NO way complaining, but am truly grateful for hard times in ways I have never thought I would be. I am tougher than I knew. More sure of God than ever before!!!! Know HIS POWER works in quiet ways and also in EARTH MOVING ways. Appreciate the smaller things in my life and am more in love with my man than I would have ever thought I was capable of. I know God is GOOD and even SPECTACULAR because I have had more happiness and contentment in the midst of the storms than I have even had when life was easier. This is true!!!
My heaviness today is from being so willing to go and like our pastor spoke of today willing to risk it all in order to work in Ethiopia. However, we have had many voices telling us that my illness was a sign that we were probably not to go. Yet during this time there have been many things that still point that way to east Africa and my mind is more resolute. How do you know? Which voice do you listen to? I never want to be out of the will of God-- EVER!!! Some of the same people in our lives talk of living life out of the comfort zone are the same ones telling us we are not to be going. It would be too stressful on our children... the economy is not in a position for this to be wise.... it is hard for families to move out of the US... you will never make it... the money is a problem.... what will you do with your house... health...health... whaat about your mom, brother... what will you do when you come back...braces, college....kids and their school... the questions are never ending. Maybe these folks are speaking the truth and we are being stubborn? I want to hear the voices that we are supposed to.. I am confused! I know God can redeem whatever happens. So today I will continue deep in thought and prayer... yet still live in my moment today by going to see "Doggies" at the shelter, shopping for milk, finishing up homework, changing diapers, and loving my family. The answers don't have to be today.