Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Rounding out the rough edges

I have not posted in a long time. I have been busy with teaching this year and truthfully it is hard to know how much to bear on a public blog and knowing I can never really take my words back. So often I have a thought or something I want to write about, but then decide it is best kept to myself. So many changes on the horizon and yet so much happening now. It is a challenge to know how to keep life going here and yet start planning to move to another country in maybe about 8 months. I am grateful for the here and now. I have seen God put this together in such a fashion that I would be a fool to not see that this is where we are to be today. I hope God knows I am thankful even with my less than smooth heart. I still have So much to learn.

In three short months Malachi will have been home for 2 years. In so many ways it seems like it has gone too quickly and then some days it feels like I wish I could speed up time for him. He is still screaming when frustrated and I wish I could just help him talk and share his feelings--I want to rush this for him. At home it is so much more comfortable and fun. He loves routine and sleeping. He loves to laugh and dance and play and play. He brings such joy to our home and can not imagine our lives without him. Yet there are those nights when defeat and weariness truimph. There is a certain lump that creeps up my throat as I wonder will it ever all be ok. We had a school event and it was so hard for him tonight. He yells and fights when he is in public places. His sense to save himself and fight to survive is still so very alive. He does not always feel and believe that we are there for him and will meet his needs and take care of him. He becomes someone we hardly know and all of us struggle to make him happy and quiet to avoid looks filled with questions of why??? I fear someone asking me what have I done to him or why is this not better yet. I am sure it is all in my imagination, but the parent guilt is real. He always lets me hug and kiss him-- he LOVES being close now. That is a huge gain that took over 1 1/2 years. He listens and follows directions at home and sometimes wish I could make our whole life at home. But with four other angels there are many events to attend so Malachi must press on to learn how to trust us and not let his senses become so overwhelmed. This may just be who he is and not even adoption related, but it helps me understand when I put it into that frame that he just needs more time. So I am off to run and walk with my star.Aser does everything in his power to shield me from the sadness I feel when we are out with our little one and I even see my older kids try to help soften the edges. My mom is a true hero and is so willing to watch Malachi to help him avoid being put into situations that are uncomfortable. I wish the lump would go away, but am sure with time,just as for Malachi, this will also become less noticable. Thankful for life today despite times of me being tattered and learning to be a better mama for my little Angel.


Dionna said...

Bless your heart, Kimberly. I don't have any easy answers for you - I only know how much of a blessing you must be to your son's heart. His life would have been so different without you. Don't let Satan whisper guilt into your heart -

djpete said...

You're post is so good to read. I think about all that lies ahead for our next adoption and all of the what if's again. It helps to read where you've been and where you are. You are an amazing person and you have the most wonderful kids, that comes back to you as a parent and the guidance you provide even when times are rough.

Carrie said...

Oh Kimberly,

I can relate to everything you wrote, though our story is a little different. Ours does great out in public usually, but "becomes someone we hardly know" when we get home. Or if her routine is thrown off even the least bit.

You guys have been loving him and fighting for his heart for so long now. Hang in there. Each moment does make a difference. Healing and trust take so much time...

We're praying for all of you. I'd love to see you!


Shelley said...

Sweet Kimberly,

My prayer for you is that God's peace in your heart will continue to radiate into M's heart. He could not have come this far, to hugs and kisses and gentleness at home, without seeing and feeling the Peace that Passes Understanding that shines through you and your precious husband.

As hard as it can be, thank you for being a little transparent with us -- for there is strength in numbers, sister. You are not alone in your fear of failing your children... But we know we are supposed to "Fear Not"!

I love and miss you,

The Williamson Clan said...

Kimberly, thank you so much for sharing from your heart. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG! You being willing to open up and share is so good, because we can pray and give you support. We'll be praying for your little guy too. Just know that God put him in your family because He knows it is the BEST family for him. Love you ~ Jana

Our journey to Ethiopia said...

I found your blog by searching for SIM missionaries. I would love to talk with you about missions. We are currently in process with SIM and our placement hopefully will be in Ethiopia at Bingham. We also have adopted a little boy from Ethiopia, and would love to share that experience as well. You can email me at wadeleanne@comcast.net